Improving Your Sibling Relationships

          This week our students wrapped up their series on family by looking at another area in their family that they don’t have control over, their siblings.  We discussed how our relationships with our siblings typically go and how to remedy them.  As we walked through this discussion we found that our relationship with our siblings typically has a few responses:

• When we are annoyed, we want control
• When we are hurt, we want payback
• When we are overwhelmed, we want isolation

          As you can see none of these responses are healthy to have a better relationship with our siblings but rather they further separate us from them.  As you think about your own relationship with your siblings do you fall into one of the categories listed above or something similarly destructive?  If you find yourself trapped in one of these categories then my challenge to you is simple, or at least it appears that way.  Think about the last time you said, “I love you,” or I’m praying for you” to your sibling and actually meant it.  How did that change your relationship with them?  Maybe your sibling has done something very destructive to your family, and you need to spend some time forgiving them in your heart and then letting them know that you have let it go and desire to move forward with your relationship.

It’s easy for us to say “I love you,” “I’m praying for you” or “I forgive you.”  But what would happen if you actually spent some time searching your heart and genuinely meant these phrases as you communicated them to your siblings?  How would your relationship with them be different?  By saying these things, we are not only communicating our love to our siblings but more importantly that we accept them for who they are.

Listen to this amazing story that helped me understand how powerful acceptance really is:
A man named Dave once told the story about when he was in 7th grade. Dave had Polio and Cystic Fibrosis, so he had some physical limitations. His older brother Mike was a junior in high school and an incredible basketball player.
Each Saturday, about 25 high school guys gathered at a neighborhood court to play ball. They always decided who played by shooting free throws to see who would be the team captains. 
Well, one particular Saturday, Dave decides he wants to play basketball with the big boys. So he walks out there with all these big, athletic juniors and seniors in high school. And Dave’s brother, Mike, shoots and becomes a captain along with another guy. Mike got first pick, and the other guys stood around, waiting to see who got to play. And then something amazing happened. Mike stuck out his finger, pointed at his little brother and said, “I choose Dave.” And this gangly, physically-limited, shocked 7th grader walked up to his brother, buried his face in his belly, and started weeping. 
Mike didn’t choose Dave because he was a great basketball player. He chose Dave because he loved him.

          Today, I would like to leave you with a question to consider about your relationship with your siblings and to discuss with your children.  “Why can it be difficult to have a good relationship with your siblings?”  As you wrestle with this question I challenge you to think about what the concepts of respect, freedom, and honor mean in your house.  As you work through this issue remember that while you may have a shaky relationship with your siblings currently, you can change that because “Acceptance is powerful.”

Why Should Children Honor Their Parents?

  Over the past couple of weeks our student ministry has been journeying through the maze of how students relate to their parents.  Through this series we have been blessed with wonderful conversations and great questions.  One of the most thought provoking questions came this past week from one of our middle school students.  The question that was raised was, “Why do I as a “child” have to be the mature and responsible one to honor my parents and fight for the relationship when they should be doing this because they are older and the parents?”

As we worked through this question, we explored several reasons that children should honor their parents.
• We (children) focus so much on what our parents are doing that we miss our own role
• You are not responsible for what your parents do, but you ARE responsible for what you do
• Our choice is simple when it comes to how to respond to our parents: Choose to disobey and run away because of how our parents act OR honor them in spite of their decisions.
• When you turn your hearts towards your parents, it turns your relationship towards God
• What if at some point in your next conflict, you stopped, and you did something to communicate, “You are important.  In fact you’re more important than this thing we’re arguing about.”

We finished up the discussion by looking at the fact that all fights in our family come down to one thing, “We aren't getting our way” or more simply perspective.  We find ourselves engaged in arguments with our family members because we see, hear, and feel things differently.  The same message can be conveyed but the way that we hear it, understand it, or experience can be entirely different, leading us into conflict with other family members.  As you think about this question and these themes what issues come to your mind for reasons that children should honor their parents and how we as parents can convey a message of love and respect to our children?

Today, I would like to leave you with a question to consider about your relationship with your parents and to discuss with your children.  “What do typically do when you don’t get your way?”   As you wrestle with this question I challenge you to think about what the concepts of respect, freedom, and honor mean in your house.  As you work through this issue remember that while you may have a shaky relationship with your parents or children currently, you can change that because “When you turn your heart toward your parents, it turns your relationship toward God.”

Learning Honor through a Broken Curfew and a Speeding Ticket

          I can remember the rush of freedom that I experienced when I held that new card in my hand and imagined all of the adventures that I could take with it.  I remember thinking that I had finally reached a point of independence and nothing would hold me back.  I was only sixteen but the freedom that came from holding my freshly created driver’s license was overwhelming.  In that moment I suddenly realized that I could be free to come and go as I pleased, or at least I thought.  However, one of the biggest blessings of having my driver’s license was that I could see my girlfriend, who lived 15-20 minutes away, at my convenience.  I remember traveling to her house the first evening after getting my license and feeling like nothing could stop me from doing whatever I wanted.  However, after I underestimated the time it took to get back home from her house the first night and missed my curfew.  The same thing happened the next night and the next night for an entire week.  Needless to say, by the time the end of the week hit I wasn’t feeling invincible but rather walking the fine line between trying to spend as much time with my girlfriend as possible yet not break my curfew again.  As I left my house one week after getting my license my parents told me that if I was late again I would lose my license and car for a period of time.  So much for independence and freedom, as I now found myself bordering losing it all.  That evening I kept a careful eye on the clock and when the time came to leave I left, alright in all honesty I left a few minutes late again.  I began the furious drive home to make in time to meet my curfew and then it happened.  I suddenly looked in my rearview mirror to see red and blue lights flashing and knew I was in more trouble than simply losing my license and car for a few days.  I received my first ticket, which was for a considerable amount of money since I was driving at reckless driving speeds on a country road.  As I pulled into the driveway of my house that evening, I held my breath as I knew that I was in for it.  When I walked in the door I quickly explained everything to my parents, showed them the ticket, and promised that I would pay for it with the money I had saved from my job of waiting tables.  I was genuinely sorry and they saw that in my face and heard it in my words, which led them to simply say, “Go to your room and get some sleep.”  I thought my parents were crazy for this reaction but years later I realized that they knew that I had learned my lesson the hard way and they didn’t need to punish me anymore. 

            I was reminded of this situation again this past week as I read a couple of verses from Ephesians 6, specifically verses one to three.  This passage states, “Children, obey your parents as you would the Lord, because this is right.  Honor your father and mother, which the first commandant with a promise, so that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life in the land” (HCSB).  As I read these verses I remembered the fact that by confessing my mistake of being late (not to mention the speeding ticket) and working to find a solution to this problem that I was honoring my parents.  While I didn’t always do a great job with this I did in this case, which showed my parents that I was trying to honor them and allowed me to embrace the benefits that Paul outlines in Ephesians 6:3 stating, “so that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life in the land.”  I still had to reap the consequences but only those that were self-imposed because I was willing to honor my parents.  I realized in that moment that rather than reacting to my parents I needed to accept responsibility for my own actions because I’m not responsible for what our parents do, but I am responsible for what I do.”  This same truth is still applicable years later as I can’t change or escape my parents but I can seek to find ways to honor them because I am responsible for what I do.

            Today, I would like to leave you with a question to consider about your relationship with your parents and to discuss with your children.  “Do you think respecting your parents will lead to more freedom?  Why or why not?   As you wrestle with this question I challenge you to think about what the concepts of respect, freedom, and honor mean in your house.  As you work through this issue remember that while you may have a shaky relationship with your parents or children currently, you can change that because “You are not responsible for what your parents do, but you are responsible for what you do.”

Squirrel!!!

            A few years ago there was a movie that came out and one piece quickly resonated with me.  The movie was Up and it wasn’t the storyline that engaged me so much as the character of the dog who was easily side-tracked and the phrase “Squirrel” captured the attention of many people, including myself. 

            I wondered why I identified with this character and particularly this one phrase so much, and then I realized that it is because this is the culture that we live in today.  We often times find ourselves jumping from one new idea to the next.  We see something new, creative, or shiny and instantly we are ready to jump ship to whatever the new “thing” is.  Please understand that I am not shying away from new ideas or creativity but I think there needs to be a balance with where our attention goes because “when we give something our attention, we move in that direction.”  The direction can be beneficial, worthwhile, and even successful but the reality is that we must be careful how frequently we jump to a new “thing” or how quickly we buy into the new idea.  Pastor and author Carey Nieuwhof talks about this concept in his book Leading Change Without Losing It by saying, “When you introduce change in virtually any arena, you get a variety of responses.  They range from ‘enthusiastic embrace’ to ‘deep resistance.’  What notable is that people’s responses are, for the most part, predictable” (p. 34).  He goes on talk about the four main groups of people that can exist when change presents itself which are the early adopters, early majority, quiet majority, and opponents.  This book is a wonderful resource to anyone who may be leading change or encounter it and is available on Amazon at:

http://www.amazon.com/Leading-Change-Without-Losing-ebook/dp/B00AAGM1KG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1381424460&sr=8-1&keywords=leading+change+without+losing+it.

            So with that being said, think about this statement again, “When you give something your attention, you move in that direction.  There are many times throughout our lives that we find ourselves getting sidetracked, hung up on the obstacles, or deterred from our ultimate destination because of something that grabs our attention on the side of the road.  This isn’t a new theme but rather something that has been around since the time of the Bible.  Throughout God’s Word, there are specific examples of God fighting relentlessly for our attention, because of His love for us.  Occurrences of God fighting for our attention are evident through the stories of Moses (Deuteronomy 7:12), David (Psalm 119:35-37), Solomon (Proverbs 4:25-27), and Jesus (Matthew 6:22).   I encourage you to read these verses and think about the great lengths that God has went to capture and keep your attention.  Why does God so passionate about finding ways to keep our attention?  The answer is because He loves you and He would love for you to avoid the pain and frustration that comes when we find that we are lost in a place we never intended to be. 

So my question for you today is, “If you’re not heading in the direction you want, what has got your attention?”

Lessons from the Bearded Boys of Beantown

            Anyone who spends any amount of time with me will quickly discover that I love the Boston Red Sox’s.  What began in college as an attempt to “spite” my best friend, who happens to be a Yankee’s fan, has grown into an obsession.  This obsession has led me to see Fenway Park up close and personal, acquire several pieces of Red Sox memorabilia, and even rub shoulders with a couple of players prior to one of their games.  Overall my desire to follow the Red Sox’s started on a foolish whim but has become something that I love to follow.

            As with any sports team there are high moments and low moments.  Last year I watched the Red Sox struggle through one of the roughest seasons that they have ever had with poor management, a huge payroll, and several off-the-field issues.  Needless to say when everything was said and done they finished last in the division, traded off several of their “key pieces for the future” and fired their manager.  After watching that it was painful to admit that I was a fan of the Red Sox but their winning ways returned this year and taught me several things about leading and working together as a team. 

            After watching the Red Sox this season I noticed four lessons that have impacted my leadership style this season.  First, is watching what they did in the offseason where they had been known to spend a lot of money to get the best players possible, which as we witnessed in the 2011-2012 season blew up in our faces.  However, this past offseason was different as they sought to bring in a quality manager, acquire role players who had outstanding character, and develop new prospects that could better the team.  They were willing to make worthwhile investments without breaking the bank, although they did spend more money than I will probably ever make in my lifetime.  As a leader I wondered about the investments that I make with our students and volunteers.  Are these worthwhile investments?  Do they help to empower and equip our volunteers?  Do our students come to a deeper realization of God’s love for them through our programs?  I firmly believe that these pieces are not only important but being lived into daily.

            The second lesson that I have seen is the need to work together as a team.  Teamwork is something that can easily be overlooked in leadership as each person desires for their ideas to be heard and implemented.  However, listening to the ideas of others, channeling creativity, and working together are invaluable pieces of leadership and help a team function more effectively.  The third lesson ties in nicely with the idea of working together as a team which is trusting in the unique strengths and abilities of each person on your team.  God has blessed each person with special gifts and abilities that should be lived into.  As a team we should be willing to let each other live into our strengths, while acknowledging our weaknesses.  In the world of the Red Sox’s David Ortiz isn’t a threat to steal bases, but Jacoby Ellsbury is, a unique skill that has been developed in over several years.  In the same way in leadership, we need to place our volunteers in positions for the greatest success based on their gifts and talents.  For me, I wouldn’t put someone with a fear of public speaking in front of the youth group to give a lesson, but their administrative gifts may help the ministry to run more smoothly. 

            Finally, is the lesson of believing in yourself and your team.  A year ago there was a small percentage of people who believed the Red Sox’s could win the division, make the playoffs, and have as much success as they have.  A large portion of this group was the players, management, and owners who believed in themselves, worked diligently to achieve their goals, and have been able to celebrate their success.  In the same way as leaders we need to believe in ourselves and our team, while trusting that God will provide numerous success stories for us to share.

            You may not be a Red Sox’s fan but their formula for success this year has led to the most wins in baseball this year.  So as you think about your leadership style are there pieces you can implement to help your team and you succeed?

How I Leaned So Far Into Myself That I Fell On My Face

          I remember the morning of May 9, 2008 so clearly.  On that morning we woke up extra early to drive to the hospital to meet our new son.  That would be the day that joy would overflow as we would hold the little guy in our arms for the first time, kiss his forehead and see him smile.  As we arrived at the hospital we were filled with excitement and anticipation but there was also a sense of unrest that we didn’t want to talk about. 

            After losing our daughter, Callie Grace, we were excited yet nervous about Corban entering the world.  What if something didn’t go just as planned?  What if there were complications?  Was there something that the doctors missed that could cause us more heartache? All of these thoughts were racing through my mind but that all changed when I heard that first “little” cry come out of his mouth.  My wife and I both breathed a sigh of relief as we felt the burden lifted.  However, after walking my son to the nursery for his check-ups, we took a turn for the worse.  Corban began to have trouble breathing and the doctors decided to have him admitted to the NICU.  A couple of days into him being in the NICU things were turning even worse.  I found myself listening to every bell and noise trying to determine what the best course of treatment would be for him.  I remember trying to advise the doctors and nurses of how to care for my son, even though I have limited medical knowledge and they had several other babies to care for as well.  I remember trying to find the best solution to help my son moment by moment which left me exhausted and confused.  About two weeks after he was admitted to the NICU, my wife and I sat down with one of the doctors to have a tough discussion.  She informed us that the treatments weren’t working and if something didn’t change shortly they would have to transport him to a specialty hospital to try to save his life. 

It was at that moment that everything changed for me. I realized that my pushy behavior had damaged the relationship that we had with those caring for my son.  I realized that the listening to every noise and taking pages of notes to try to determine the best course of care had only left me exhausted as the doctor’s knew how to handle his treatment the best.  At that moment, I looked at the doctor with tears in my eyes and said, “I don’t care what it takes, we trust you, just save our little boy.”  At that moment everything changed not only with my own understanding of the situation, but with the relationship we had with the doctors and nurses, the treatment that I saw him receiving, and his overall health.  I realized at that moment that I had been leaning on my own understanding, experience, and knowledge rather than trusting God’s provision. 

            This past week I was reminded of these thoughts and emotions as our students focused on the familiar verses from Proverbs 3:5-6 which says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths” (HSCB).  As I thought about these verses I recalled the fact that I spent the first two weeks of my son’s life leaning into my own understanding, experience, and knowledge (or lack thereof) rather than trusting in God to care for and heal my son.  As I have thought about these verses during these last few days I recalled the number of times throughout my life that I have leaned so far into myself that I fell face down on the pavement.  After thinking about these situations I realized that God has been reminding me of this lesson for several years. 

So my question for you today is, “What does it look like to lean on God’s understanding?”  As you wrestle with this question think about the choices you have made in your life that have taken you to the path you are on.  Were there times that God wanted you to lean into Him but you chose to lean into your own experience, knowledge, and understanding?  Is there a way to make a shift in your thinking to embrace Solomon’s words in Proverbs rather than trusting in yourself?  I challenge you to be courageous enough to listen for God’s leading in your life and lean into His love for you.

            This Sunday we will finish our series Road Signs which has been designed to have us look at the road signs of life and provide our students and their families with questions for discussion that connect to the lessons we are presenting weekly.  Our hope is that you will continue to join us on this journey as we seek to navigate the road of our lives laid out before us while seeking to be attentive to God’s directions.