What Miley Cyrus & the VMA’s Taught Me About Parenting

          This past Sunday evening was an amazing time for me as I was able to gather together with several of our youth ministry volunteers and a few of our student leaders to dream and create some exciting new pieces for our youth ministry.  It was truly amazing to hear their discussions, share their ideas, and see their passion.  While I was still riding the coattails of this amazing evening, I woke up Monday morning to the bombardment of a “performance” that had happened on Sunday evening as a part of the Video Music Awards on MTV.

            This “performance” stirred up a great deal of controversy, which many will argue is exactly what the VMA’s were created for and known for, especially over the last decade.  This “performance” was quickly one of the top viewed videos on YouTube, created all kinds of buzz on social media and in the blogging world, and deposited several thousands (if not millions) of dollars into this individual’s bank account.  Maybe you have already seen the video of this performance, maybe you haven’t but as a youth worker I am sure that several of students around the world have which prompts a response from us. 

If you are unsure of what I am talking about, you can Google “Miley's VMA Performance” to see the video.” Don't watch it with kids around. I won't post it here.

            On Sunday evening Miley Cyrus took it upon herself to continue to shed her former Hannah Montana self and become who she has been told, by the world, she needs to be.  This post is not meant to critique the performance, bad-mouth her for seeking a way to make more money, to criticize her parents, or even try to rationalize her thinking. 

This is post written by a dad who desires to communicate love to his children and how this performance triggered a response from me to do just that with my own children.  As I have read several responses to this incident, it has been interesting to see the focus of these writings.  Some talk about how we can help Miley understand she is child of God, others talk about reaching out to her mother who gave her a thumb’s up for her performance, while yet others suggest that we complete isolate ourselves as Christians from her and modern day media.  As I read these responses there is Truth is some of the statements however, I doubt that I will ever come into contact with Miley Cyrus so I can’t change her but what I can do is seek to implement change in the lives of those children/youth that I have direct contact with, specifically my own. 

Several years ago, I read a study that talked about the influence that parents have with their children.  You see parents are still the number one influence in the life of a child simply because of the over 3,000 hours of influence they can have in a given year.  By default, as parents, we have the ability to influence our children positively or negatively, based on our words and actions.  In other words we have the potential to change our little slice of the world through the impact we have on our children.

After watching this performance I didn’t see the hype, the drug references, or even the absurdity of some of the things that were taking place on stage while it was going on.  What I saw was a child who was forced to grow up in the spotlight where every decision she made was critiqued and questioned.  I saw a girl who is desperate for love and attention, without any strings attached (primarily financial).  I saw a young woman desiring to simply feel valuable.  Ultimately, I saw someone visibly living out the words that author Angie Thomas penned in her book Do You Think I’m Beautiful?, which said “God, do you see me in all this mess and still think I’m beautiful?”  So how does this ultimately impact my parenting towards my own children and the way I minister to students that God has placed in my care?  There are three simple responses that I have gleaned through this experience:

First, there is a need to love my children unconditionally and constantly.  Will there be times that I don’t feel like loving my child, sure, but that should never stop me from showering them with hugs, kisses, words of affirmation, and ultimately God’s love.  The Bible instructs children to honor their parents but I am creating an image that my children will cause them to honor me and understand the depths of my love.

Second, in connection with loving my children unconditionally, we need to love them through their mistakes.  One of the greatest examples that I have seen in parenting, is those parents who allow their children to make mistakes, even though it tears their heart in two, and use that mistake to express their love on a whole other level.  Personally, I have some friends who have watched their child make poor decisions and go to prison yet love her unconditionally.  This is the type of parent that I want to be who can learn to love through the mistakes they make and make them a better person because of it.

            Third and finally, there is the need for me to set a positive and healthy example of what love looks like in the way I treat my wife.  One of the most powerful means of influence that I have witnessed is that of modeling, and how great of an impact can we have on our children by modeling love towards our spouse?  By serving our spouse, loving them constantly, and sacrificing for them we are instilling an understanding of what love really looks like to our children.

            So as you think about your own life, what things are you currently doing to impact the life of your child?  Cling to those traditions and seek to instill the principles of love, grace, and discipline in their lives.

Lego Leadership

          One of the activities that I love to do with my son right now is building with the Lego sets that we purchase for him.  It’s an amazing feeling seeing a pile of bricks come together to create something amazing and to know that we created it.  One of my favorite projects with him was a helicopter that actually has a mechanical line to lower the figures to the ground and then pull them back into the helicopter.  I remember the amazement that we both had as we watched this created masterpiece in action.

            As I read through another chapter of The Catalyst Leader by Brad Lomenick I realized that the same hope and desire to create something great with Lego’s with my son, is also true of leadership.  With the Lego’s there is a clear set of instructions to follow in order to create the finished product.  If you don’t follow the instructions you don’t get the finished product that you see on the box.  Sounds simple, right?  But take a moment to think about this them in regards to leadership.  If we don’t lay out a clear plan of how we will accomplish something, nothing will ever be accomplished.  As leaders we must be willing to create and cast a compelling vision that people will want to follow.

            Vision moves people to respond as former President John Quincy Adams stated with his words, “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”  Our desire to lead others should cause people to dream more, learn more, do more and become more.  I recently tried a new approach to casting vision/inspiring others with a training that we held for our youth ministry volunteers.  During this training I simply laid the foundation of where we wanted to go in the next nine-twelve months and then allowed them to work through the particular details of how each of their areas would accomplish those goals during the coming year.  This was one of the most challenging moments of leadership that I have ever faced as I stepped back and allowed others to dream, create, and be inspired as we sought to shape the lives of the students we serve for Jesus Christ.  It was difficult to not interject my thoughts, try to steer a conversation in a particular direction, and to simply listen but I will tell you that the results were amazing.  The ideas that came bubbling out of these groups were truly amazing and it was evident that God was working in our planning.  As I watched these groups discuss their ideas I thought about the words of author Simon Sinek who said, “The visionary must light a flame.  Those who choose to follow its light must work to keep it burning.”  These volunteers were following the light, developing plans to keep it burning, and it was amazing!

            With that being said, maybe you are reading this and thinking that this particular approach won’t work for you.  If that is the case let me offer up seven characteristics that Brad Lomenick outlines for being a hopeful leader and maybe they will inspire you or provide a solution for how you can effectively cast a vision as a leader. 

Hopeful, visionary leaders are:

·       Optimistic about the future-They are forward-thinking, inspiring, enthusiastic, positive, and they have a vision bigger than just what is in front of them.

·       Focused on the best in their people, not the worst-They are encouraging and focus on the unique strengths of every member of the team.

·       Never satisfied, but always content-They are always moving towards a goal, but they don’t allow it to steal their joy.  They seem happy where they are but refuse to stay there.

·       Consumed with making tomorrow better than today-They never settle as they constantly look to improve and grow.

·       Accepting of change-They invite change with open arms.  They are innovative and try new things at the risk of failing.

·       Inclusive, not exclusive-They invite others into their vision.  People won’t willingly follow you until they can see how they share in the future you envision.

·       Personally bought in-They have a vision that propels them personally.

So as you think about the characteristics I challenge you to ask yourself, “How I am doing at being a hopeful leader who can cast a clear vision?”  As you work through that question, I assure you that challenges will arise but continue to push forward towards your dreams and vision remembering the words that Brad lays out, “Dream about accomplishing a project so out of your abilities that it keeps you up at night.  God calls us to think big.”

Lessons on Leadership from My Parents

          As I reflect upon my childhood I recall my parents trying to instill several values, ideas, and principles into my life.  While they were determined to instill these items into my life I’m sure that many times they left feeling frustrated because it didn’t seem like the lessons were sinking in or sticking.  However, due to their best efforts and despite my own desire to run in the opposite direction, some of their principles stuck.   The main principle that has stuck with me through the years was the desire to be a hard worker with everything that I did.    This work ethic is something that was passed on from my father who got it passed on from his father and so on.

            As my dad grew up on a farm, he learned the need for hard work at an early age and continued to pursue this type of dedication to everything that he tried.  He pushed himself, many times past the brink of exhaustion to make sure that the job was complete and done right.  I would like to think that this strong work ethic has been passed onto me and that I am continuing to live into this principle daily.  The strong work ethic is one piece of my character that my parents sought to instill into me but their words, actions, and lifestyle also helped to begin to shape my convictions at an early age.  As you think about your own convictions or beliefs what truths did your parents seek to instill in your life?  What convictions or beliefs are you seeking to instill in the lives of your children?

            Our principles are something that impact not only the way we live our lives but also how we lead others.  In his book The Catalyst Leader author Brad Lomenick lists “principled” as one of the eight essentials for being a good leader.  Over the past few weeks I have journeyed through this book writing my thoughts about the themes that he presents in this work.  He outlines the need for leaders to know their calling, practice authenticity, live with passion towards God, strive to be capable, and the need to be courageous.

            Based on the ideas that Brad outlines in this chapter of the book there are three elements to help someone stay anchored in their convictions or be a principled leader.  The first is the need to embrace humility.  Humble leaders don’t need the spotlight or the credit and are quick to divert praise back to their team and/or God’s grace.  They are honest about their fears and failures and seek to instill the following phrases into their daily speech:

-I’m sorry                                                  -That was my fault

-Thank you                                                -I’m listening

-I trust you                                                 -Great job

If you are wondering if you are embracing humility in your leadership think about the last time you utilized some of these phrases and strive to implement them more frequently into your daily conversations so you don’t get “too big for your britches.”

Secondly, Brad discusses the need for discipline in order to be a principled leader.  I always think of the dedication and hard work of professional athletes who desire to achieve excellence at the highest level of their respective sports when I think about discipline.  Many of them push their bodies to the farthest point in order to achieve success at this level.  In other words they are striving to embrace the words of former US Secretary of State, Colin Powell who said, “A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.”  In the same way leaders don’t live into their dreams by coincidence but by investing a great deal of discipline and hard work towards achieving the desired outcome.

In order to be a principled leader, one not only has to strive for humility and seek to be disciplined but they also have to have a great deal of integrity.  Leaders who have integrity are honest, respect others, practice loyalty, enjoy accountability, and trust others.  Author Bob Goff says “We plant sod where God wants to plant seed.  He’s more interested in growing our character than having us look finished.”  Just as God desires for us to grow in our character we should be willing to strive to have more integrity, rather than seeking to be a finished product. 

Ultimately we must remember that the depth of our character determines the reach of our influence.  We must be willing to strive to be humble, disciplined, and have a great deal of integrity which will allow us to be better leaders to those that God has entrusted to us.

What the Cowardly Lion Taught Me About Leadership

          Have you ever watched a movie or read a book and just resonated with one of the characters.  Over the years there have been several characters that have connected with my heart and drawn me into the story they represent, however there is one that simply stands heads and shoulders above the rest.  As a child I remember watching The Wizard of Oz and connecting with one of the characters in this beloved story which was the cowardly lion.  I could never figure out why I was drawn to this particular character until several years later when I realized that I needed more courage.

            This may come as a surprise to some as I am willing to ride any roller coaster, try new food whenever I get the chance, and do things that could make others cringe.  However, my need for courage is rooted in a deep internal struggle that I have which is the “fear of failure.”  I have always wondered, “What if I try something and it doesn’t work?” or “What if this new idea flops and leaves people feeling disappointed?”  The fear of failure is something that I believe is not exclusive or unique to me but is a point of tension with every leader.

            Author and speaker Brad Lomenick believes so as well as he highlights the theme of courage in his book The Catalyst Leader.  Over the past four weeks I have journeyed through this book writing my thoughts about the themes that he presents in this work.  He outlines the need for leaders to know their calling, practice authenticity, live with passion towards God, and strive to be capable in their leadership.  Despite the validity of each of these themes, the concept of courage is one that makes my stomach churn the most.

            Courage pushes us to try new things, be innovative, and stretch outside of our comfort zone.  In my current ministry I am trying to be courageous in the handling of an event that we are coordinating for our youth ministry volunteers later this month.  We will be hosting an event that encourages and allows our volunteers to be creative, answer hard questions about the youth ministry, and find new creative ways to impact our students with the love of Jesus Christ during the coming year.  While this will be an amazing event where several wonderful things are achieved, there is a feeling in the pit of my stomach saying “What if this fails?”  But as I have been dealing with this feeling I reread a quote from Brad which states, “The road to success is many times put together through multiple failures.  Allow for and even encourage your team to fail as they attempt to succeed” (p. 115).  Upon reading this quote I was reminded that many of the life lessons that I have learned, many of which were the most challenging, came because of failure.  What would our culture look like if instead of thinking about failing we began to take leaps of faith, knowing we may fail, but with the understanding that we can learn from our failures and move forward?

            So if you are reading this are you willing to be a courageous leader who is alright with handling the fear of failure?  Pastor Andy Stanley said, “A single act of courage is often the tipping point for extraordinary change.”  So how do we learn to be a courageous leader? 

Brad outlines five principles for us to help us become courageous leaders:

 

·         Set scary standards - Give your people a goal that scares them, and you’ll produce leaders who know what it means to overcome fear.

·         Allow for failure

·         Reward innovation – Innovation requires taking risks.  And bold risks create bold team members.  Rewarding innovation will challenge your team to grow in their roles.

·         Pursue the right opportunities – Aggressively pursue a few things that make sense.  Say no often.

·         Learn to delegate – Entrust others with important tasks by letting go and relinquishing control.  If you want your team to be courageous, give them the chance to lead.

As you work through implementing these ideas into your leadership style remember this quote from former South African president Nelson Mandela, “Courage is not the absence of fear-it’s inspiring others to move beyond it.”  So as you move through your day toady what would you pursue if you weren’t afraid to fail?

Are You Capable of Being a Good Leader?-The Cataylst Leader

          Over the past few weeks I have been examining the central thoughts of a book entitled The Catalyst Leader by Brad Lomenick.  Through this work he outlines eight essentials for becoming a change maker (or great leader).  Brad has worked with countless young leaders and listened to the voices of several amazing leaders Brad has developed an understanding of some key qualities in the arena of leadership.

          The principles that Brad outlines begin with calling, authenticity, and passion in leadership.  He states that is necessary to know your calling in life in order to be a good leader.  Secondly, he explores the theme of authenticity which allows leaders the freedom to be themselves but also to be “real” with other people through admitting their mistakes, listening to feedback, and adjusting their approach.  Third, he explains the need for leaders to be passionately connected to God which will enhance their leadership.

This week I will continue exploring the contents of this book by looking at theme of being capable.  Have you ever wrestled with the thoughts “I can’t do this” or “Surely there is someone else far more qualified or capable to do this task”?  I’m sure this thought has entered the minds of several of you in the workforce.  Personally, I often struggle with the fear of failure or rejection that stems from relationships that I longed to develop back in middle school.  The rejection of others and constant heartache of feeling like a failure still has lingering effects on my leaderships almost two decades later.  But as you think about yourself, do you often times question if you are capable or qualified for the task that you will be fulfilling?

            If you are like me and question you own capability The Catalyst Leader provides a couple of guidelines necessary to leading capably.  The first guideline is that of setting the right standard which is excellence.  Early on in my ministry career I worked for a church that adopted the theme of “striving for excellence” in every area of our ministry.  I recall the stress that this placed on each of us as we thought about what it would look like to strive for excellence in everything that we did.  While it was a trying year for many of us, we pushed through and were able to create new ministries, enhance the ones we had, and disconnect those ministries that were no longer valuable or worthwhile.  This year taught me to strive for excellence, not perfection because we were free to make mistakes so long as we used them as a teaching tool for the future improvement of our individual ministries and the overall health of the church.

            The second guideline for capable leadership is the right staff.  This guideline was more challenging for me to learn because I was always under the impression that I could do a task more efficiently and effectively than anyone else.  My ideas were always the “gold nuggets” that everyone should use.  Basically, I was the lone ranger roaming the wilderness and trying to build my own ministry.  In hindsight I realized how foolish this approach to leadership was because not only were less and less people coming to be a part of the ministry I was serving but I was becoming more and more burnt out.  I remember taking a few months off from ministry and talking to some wonderful people who I trust dearly.  I recall the frustration that I felt, the pain in my heart, and the overall discouragement that almost caused me to walk away from ministry entirely.  However, their words still ring true in my approach today as they stressed the need to build a team (and encourage them frequently), the need to listen to others, and also the willingness to not take things personally when someone attacks or criticizes my ideas.  These insights forever altered my approach to ministry and I believe saved me and my family.

            While these are the two primary guidelines to being a capable leader, Brad also outlines some characteristics of capable leaders which are listed here:

·       Capable leaders constantly push forward-Surround yourself with people who spend more time dreaming about tomorrow’s possibilities than dwelling on yesterday’s failures.

·       Capable leaders are team players-Support each other constantly because in order to succeed you need confidence and you can’t have confidence without trust.

·       Capable leaders own their mistakes-Look for team members who can admit missteps without growing discouraged.

·       Capable leaders are willing to take risks-Surround yourself with people who will boldly step out even when it doesn’t make sense.

·       Capable leaders are constant learners-Capable leaders never stop growing and getting better.

·       Capable leaders aren’t entitled-The best leaders develop in the midst of action-doing, not just thinking or dreaming, or talking.

·       Capable leaders are anticipators-It’s imperative for leaders to figure out what the organization needs before anyone ever realizes it.

·       Capable leaders are persistent-They see things through and don’t give up.

·       Capable leaders are trustworthy-When they make a promise you don’t have to worry about follow-up.

·       Capable leaders deliver-Capable leaders get things done.

As you work through these questions in your mind or on paper remember that striving to become a capable leader is challenging and will take time.  If you encounter resistance along the way remember the words of author and speaker Donald Miller who said, “If what you are doing is important, you will encounter resistance.  If what you are doing isn’t important, it will be easy.”