How I Leaned So Far Into Myself That I Fell On My Face

          I remember the morning of May 9, 2008 so clearly.  On that morning we woke up extra early to drive to the hospital to meet our new son.  That would be the day that joy would overflow as we would hold the little guy in our arms for the first time, kiss his forehead and see him smile.  As we arrived at the hospital we were filled with excitement and anticipation but there was also a sense of unrest that we didn’t want to talk about. 

            After losing our daughter, Callie Grace, we were excited yet nervous about Corban entering the world.  What if something didn’t go just as planned?  What if there were complications?  Was there something that the doctors missed that could cause us more heartache? All of these thoughts were racing through my mind but that all changed when I heard that first “little” cry come out of his mouth.  My wife and I both breathed a sigh of relief as we felt the burden lifted.  However, after walking my son to the nursery for his check-ups, we took a turn for the worse.  Corban began to have trouble breathing and the doctors decided to have him admitted to the NICU.  A couple of days into him being in the NICU things were turning even worse.  I found myself listening to every bell and noise trying to determine what the best course of treatment would be for him.  I remember trying to advise the doctors and nurses of how to care for my son, even though I have limited medical knowledge and they had several other babies to care for as well.  I remember trying to find the best solution to help my son moment by moment which left me exhausted and confused.  About two weeks after he was admitted to the NICU, my wife and I sat down with one of the doctors to have a tough discussion.  She informed us that the treatments weren’t working and if something didn’t change shortly they would have to transport him to a specialty hospital to try to save his life. 

It was at that moment that everything changed for me. I realized that my pushy behavior had damaged the relationship that we had with those caring for my son.  I realized that the listening to every noise and taking pages of notes to try to determine the best course of care had only left me exhausted as the doctor’s knew how to handle his treatment the best.  At that moment, I looked at the doctor with tears in my eyes and said, “I don’t care what it takes, we trust you, just save our little boy.”  At that moment everything changed not only with my own understanding of the situation, but with the relationship we had with the doctors and nurses, the treatment that I saw him receiving, and his overall health.  I realized at that moment that I had been leaning on my own understanding, experience, and knowledge rather than trusting God’s provision. 

            This past week I was reminded of these thoughts and emotions as our students focused on the familiar verses from Proverbs 3:5-6 which says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths” (HSCB).  As I thought about these verses I recalled the fact that I spent the first two weeks of my son’s life leaning into my own understanding, experience, and knowledge (or lack thereof) rather than trusting in God to care for and heal my son.  As I have thought about these verses during these last few days I recalled the number of times throughout my life that I have leaned so far into myself that I fell face down on the pavement.  After thinking about these situations I realized that God has been reminding me of this lesson for several years. 

So my question for you today is, “What does it look like to lean on God’s understanding?”  As you wrestle with this question think about the choices you have made in your life that have taken you to the path you are on.  Were there times that God wanted you to lean into Him but you chose to lean into your own experience, knowledge, and understanding?  Is there a way to make a shift in your thinking to embrace Solomon’s words in Proverbs rather than trusting in yourself?  I challenge you to be courageous enough to listen for God’s leading in your life and lean into His love for you.

            This Sunday we will finish our series Road Signs which has been designed to have us look at the road signs of life and provide our students and their families with questions for discussion that connect to the lessons we are presenting weekly.  Our hope is that you will continue to join us on this journey as we seek to navigate the road of our lives laid out before us while seeking to be attentive to God’s directions.